How to ignite the fire of passion and love, if the partners have been together for a long time and it seems that they cannot surprise each other with anything? Psychologist Julia Nikas shared her advice.
You know him well, and he knows you, the children grow up, he saw you in a variety of states and poses. Everything seems to be clear and too expected. But it is precisely in these words – “understandable” and “expected” – that there is a nuance.
This is how our brain works – a person gets used to everything. In fact, this function of the body is due to one of the key needs of the body – safety. Therefore, our brain tends to describe everything as soon as possible, to make it clear, to hang its own label in order to feel calm and stable. But in a relationship, this is not always good.
To activate feelings, emotional outbursts are needed, but these do not have to be scandals or quarrels. Although many couples, unfortunately, wear out relationships in this way, unconsciously thinking that good sex after a fight is an increase in love. But this is an illusion. Indeed, the energy from the conflict form can flow into pleasure, but it is like a temporary anesthesia. But the wounds from the spoken words heal in a couple of years. In men, the psyche is arranged a little differently: if a woman expresses pain through words, tears, emotions, then in a man it accumulates inside and at some point he can simply leave.
Council number 1
During quarrels, try to remember the value of this person for you and do not say something that will then be difficult to forget.
Council number 2
Add some mystery to your daily routine. This is a useful skill, although difficult to implement.
First, give more freedom, “air” to your relationship. Do not be afraid to lose: by chaining your partner to you, you only provoke distrust and a banal, repeating routine every day. If your relationship lacked freedom, give it to your partner (and yourself!) for at least five days. Call less, try to do without household requests. When he calls you, answer as if more mysteriously, with a creative approach. For example, he asks: “Where are you?”, And you answer him: “I’m walking along such a beautiful street, under a gentle blue sky … Oh, they call me at work, I’ll call you back” and leave him with such a slight misunderstanding and lack of answer to 5-10 minutes.” And then you call back and continue to speak in a romantic tone, but already answering his questions. This may introduce your half into a little confusion, but then the familiar will seem new to both of you.
Council number 3
Start doing something that you haven’t done before and what your partner may have wanted for a long time.
When the fire in the relationship has died down a little, it is necessary to surprise the partner and add positive emotions. Consider what you always do in the same way and add variety. This will give him to feel something new, while in the same relationship. Let it be a break from the usual pattern, pleasant and opening you from a new perspective. Perhaps your partner has long wanted to try something, but your hands didn’t reach it, there wasn’t time – just now it has come!
One of my clients always went home in a comfortable knitted suit or in leggings and a T-shirt. When she decided to spice up a monotonous relationship, bought herself a few tight dresses for the house, began to pin up her hair beautifully, added a little mystery to her phone conversations – this simple solution led them to have sex twice a day after eight years of marriage
Council number 4
Vivid emotions always bring together.
If the daily events have the same scenario every day, then everyone gets bored. What do you like? What have you been wanting to try for a long time? Think of something, now there are a huge number of specialists on the market who can organize interesting joint leisure activities – a romantic evening at a spa, a trip out of town to a cozy hotel, joint entertainment. Surprise your partner.
Council number 5. Use the Technique to Activate the Senses
You need to consistently go through five cycles, each of which lasts one day (you can use it for two days, the main thing is not to break the sequence).
Stage 1: emotional coolness, distance, mystery. It’s better for you to call up a little on this day and not even spend the night at home. You can not drink alcohol and go to parties – just move away a little.
Stage 2: show bright joyful emotions – allow yourself to rejoice, admire! Discover the state of a girl in yourself, even if you are over 40. Tell funny, positive stories that will amuse you both! On this day, it’s good to arrange some kind of surprise for your partner.
Stage 3: Unleash your sexuality (and even vulgarity). Remember how you behaved when you first met. You put on make-up, smartened up, perfumed yourself before every date. Find time in the morning: get up early to take a little more time to take care of yourself. You don’t have to wear red lipstick at all (although maybe if you haven’t used it for a long time, but you used to love it, try it), but try experimenting with makeup. Openness to experiment and with your appearance creates variety and draws attention to you. Try something new in sex, which you didn’t dare to do before or you just didn’t think about how to somehow diversify your sex life – realize any of his sexual fantasies.
Stage 4: again distance, mystery (we return to the first stage).
Stage 5: Sexuality and sensual intimacy. Remember the happy moments that you lived together, where love was clearly felt. Remember the details to immerse yourself and your partner in the feelings that once were. During the conversation, you should look sexy and beautiful. This romantic conversation should turn into wonderful sex.